Team Profiles : Furies
Grape Ape : Brilliant 'keeper and brain surgeon, who says his only worry is that the grass may be cut and cause problems with his hay fever. Another worry is that the Strokers may well play a mole or a fish at centre-forward. Somewhat reminiscient of Peter Barrota in style, which is to say the least hair raising. And he's got a lovely little bum.
Loon : The Loon.
Barney : Veteran of many years with the team. Worried about the ref cautioning him about the spurs that he wears on his knees. Says if any of the Strokers players cause any problems he would be glad to sort them out in the Bell after work.
Dipso : Inexperienced lad who graduated from the youth team, where they had trouble getting him into his nappies before kick-off. Well-known alcoholic about town but not very highly rated as he tends to hide. He may pop up from time to time to use that well-known technical term "do him".
Beaker : Unfortunate chap, having a face like that, and he will keep picking up the ball and bouncing it !
Oats : The Stanley Matthews of the Furies who was drafted in to give experience to the back four. Will have to be careful of his walking stick if the ground is soft.
Wing-nut : Generous and always smiling, this man has never been known to hit a fellow being, although he has often tried. He never drinks and is one of the nicest smelling people around. He has asked me to welcome all players and spectators to the clubhouse of Charlton Park Rugby Football Club after the game, where he assures me that he will buy everyone a drink.
Wakers : Manager, trainer, captain, groundsman, marathon man, and will soon be taking up the job as team coach once they've done the refit. The man who taught Ron Greenwood all he knows.
Lucky Legs : The jean machine of the Furies and well-known marathon stroller will be buying the second round in the clubhouse.
Budgie : Has had his animal skin coat surgically removed for todays game, should he turn up. This lad is completely reliable and is always on hand whenever needed. Never been known to blush, and isn't at all embarrassed by people talking to him. Will probably play todays game in his training shoes as they can't remove the superglue.
Bootlace : Slim, fit, good-looking and full of natural talent. Could well turn out to be the find of the season. Fans will remember last year's game when a brave and determined Bootlace refused to be substituted despite a fractured shoulder until the bar was opened. Could well go to Hamburg to replace that other well-known superstar, Kevin Whatsname, who is going to Southampton.
Team Profiles : Strokers
Marlow : Large, bewhiskered goalkeeper for Strokers who is keeping goal because covers most of it with his more than ample frame.
Robert Hatcher Jnr : Could give the Furies a hard time, particularly their brilliant winger Bootlace. May well employ japanese tactics but will sent off for an ipon. Made from the same mould as Billy Beaumont.
Curtis : Lazy, unfit, overweight and getting married, this man poses no threat whatsoever to the Furies brilliant attack.
Rowland : Getting on a bit, but may be overshadowed in this respect by Furies veterans Oats & Barney. Probably being played out of position for this game as he is more suited at first slip than at centre back.
Purton : Mystery man of the team although he claims to have had one or two previous games.
Carney : No sweat.
Goldsmith : Lacrosse addict, so the referee will be looking for that large fishing net and making sure he keeps inside the white lines.
Balzan : Maltese international who has taken to wearing funny suits and carrying posh handbags. This player is a strange crosser of the ball and he tends to make his team mates run extra hard to reach the ball. It is because of this that he is known as the Maltezer with the less fattening centre.
Ada Comber : Who ?
Rosie Brockwell : Strange looking chappy who strolls about with funny shoes, limp lip and a bird's nest worn on his head. Won't last until the second half if he doesn't top up before the game with his favourite brew - Tet-lee. Will have to watch his the offside trap if his boots are as pointed as his nice new shoes. Could have played for Furies as he has residential qualifications on TollA because this is where he spends most of his time.
Chang-A-Lang : Not a song but Strokers other international who has had the odd game, but won't worry Loon who plays a very odd game.
Ken Burns : Substitute for this game who has been compared to that famous player Ken Beynon.